Nikki's story
"...for the first time in five years I understood what had happened....It helped me to me my life back, it helped to get 'me' back".
Who would have thought that doing a ‘Largest Gathering of Santas on bikes’ world record could end the way it did? On the 19th Dec 2004, two days after my birthday, I had a motorbike accident. I was riding pillion and my knee hit a crowd crash barrier making it bend sideways.
The pain was shooting around my knee. I was in shock and did not know what was going on. There were hospitals and tests. Then my knee started changing colour, blotchy, burning, stabbing, hot, and cold.
Why was I not reacting the way I should? I just wanted to get better but the pain got worse. X-rays, Hospital after hospital appointments, operations, physio, acupuncture, nerve blocks, more doctors, endless tablets and not getting anywhere. I had to give everything a try. Every time it didn’t work I tried not to give up hope. My dad had terminal cancer so I couldn't give up; it was for him that I kept going. I have 4 children. I used to be so active, 4th in the world kickboxing champion, an instructor and an out door leader. I was slowly seeping into myself not wanting to go out and see anyone. I slowly became a hermit. I started having panic attacks. I was anxious at the thought of going out, people stopping and staring, whispering about me. Finally I was diagnosed with complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS).
Four years later I was referred to Bath Pain Services. I had to go and be assessed, feeling yet again as if it was all on my head. Worrying about whether they thought I was ‘putting it on’. After the assessment I was invited to stay on the hospital ward for a four week rehabilitation course. I agreed to it. I would love to say how fun it was but I would be lying. It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. I was scared; I didn't want anyone getting through my barriers.
Slowly I started to change my "I can't"s to "I can"s. I learnt to set measurable, achievable and realistic targets. I learnt that the pain will always be there but I can do things for myself, I can do more exercise, I can do something whole heatedly and instead of half heartedly, I can ask for help (something I never wanted to do) and I did it! I learnt to not be so hard on myself. I learnt about pain, for the first time in five years I understood what had happened and what medications I'm on. It helped me to get my life back, it helped to get ‘me’ back.
I was able to build friendships with the other five people in the group. We all suffered from chronic pain and hearing other peoples’ stories I realized that I wasn't alone. In one session we did a drawing of ourselves. My picture was someone with no job, wanting to hide, not wanting to talk to anyone. I now have two voluntary jobs, I’m doing a course at college and I go to the gym, swimming and archery.
BCPS have helped me to turn my life around. I have achieved so much since I was at Bath nearly two years ago. My dad has passed away knowing that I managed to turn my life around. And he was proud of me for doing it. I’m still in touch with some of the others from the program and these friends are very special and mean the world to me. I’m still on crutches to help me walk and my wheel chair helps me for longer distances. I have learnt to accept this, this is me.
